Saturday 23 February 2008

Day one: Dumping ducklings

"Get up!!"
The shrill call of Malissa woke me as I snuggled deeper into my raincoat. I was dimly aware of children pouring off the bus and Malissa sighing and going to talk to a girl with shortish brown hair - and then Vanessa was shaking me. "Ellen!" she said, "Getup! We are there!"
I yawned and sat up. My eyes felt swollen and I was still sleepy. Then, I was shook to my senses. We were going on the field-trip to Mt. Kakepuku! I smiled to myself, pulled on my back-pack and moved off the bus.
Mr Woody was smiling and laughing as we began our trudge on a dirt path through farms. Cows mooed and sheep's BAAAAHED at us as we skipped and mooched and ran.
Soon Mr Woody stopped at the base of the small mountain. We could all see beautiful native trees smothering the mountain side. "Looks like it's going to rain," Mr Woody said brightly as we all moaned, "Let's pull on our rain-coats and walk up our Mountain!" Everyone else pulled their raincoats out of their bags but I was already wearing mine. It was called a poncho, and was a make-shift rain-coat/sleeping bag. I loved it dearly, and it was in a stinging shade of magenta. I wriggled into it, and once everyone was softly warm and dry, we began our small climb up the mountain.
We walked...
And walked...
And walked...
and were soon near the top of the mountain. We were puffing a little, but laughing and smiling, marvelling at the beautiful view and looking disgusted at the bugs crawling across the forest floor. Mr Woody, who was smiling and laughing with us, was suddenly sullen and quiet. "What?" Jayden asked. He didn't say anything. He didn't point. He just fell to the floor. I looked around and screamed.
"A TWISTER!" Vanessa squealed. We ran as fast as we could down the mountain, four of us supporting the unconscious Mr Woody. The tornado was zooming towards the mountain, supporting litres of water. As it gushed over the tip of Mt Kakepuku, water sloshed from it. After a few seconds, where we all stood motionless, a mud slide crashed down the mountain. We all screamed and ran. We were at the steepest part of the path and were very scared. The mud careered into us, sending us flying, being dumped by the mud or just being face-planted. I was rolling around, under the mud, not breathing. Vanessa was next to me, rolling too, and we both gripped my bag as it fell from my back. We surfaced, gasped thankfully and were pulled under again. The mud hit a very thick tree and we were thrown forwards, up the mountain top. We crashed into a tree, and fell to the ground groaning. I moaned and fell asleep. When I woke it was just about sun-set. Vanessa was next to me, asleep still. I arranged a leaf pile for her and heaved her upon it. I wanted to start making one for me, but I was in so much pain. I had bruises everywhere and Vanessa was covered in mud, so it was impossible to see if her was hurt. I felt around, because it was rather dark. The sun had set and only a pink line was set on the horizon. I felt my bag, and closed my eyes. They were twitching with the pain I was enduring. I lay down, and snuggled under my poncho. Just as Vanessa groaned and sat up in her pile of leaves, I fell into a deep, pain-filled sleep. 

18 comments:

IM A ROOM5IAN said...

i love how you manage to remember to display feelings and emotions in the story as well as full, vivid descriptions of you and your surroundings. Great Job!!!

Kitty Milo said...

wow! it is an awesome day one! you use excellent adjectives and as i read through it i kind of soaked into the book! great job. i also felt like i was right there on the spot! ka pai!

MrWoody said...

very gripping, colouful descriptions, accurate use of punctuation, spelling, paragraphing and grammar - well done!

rosiegal said...

Very goo work Neina Marie! I loved the way you expressed your feelings, and included other people's ahppenings aswell! Im just wondering if this is your actual story, because as you know you are in my group, and this isnt exactly what happened! But this is such an awesome story!

mudpies02 said...

One word. BRILLIANT!

gnome said...

that is megatastically (is that even a word?) coooooooooooooooooooool

MrWoody said...

I would like to show your Kakepuku writing to some teachers in Christchurch this week :-) May I?

Arsenal4Life said...

this is really good fiction writing. im in mr.woodys class and we are going to learn how to right storys like yours. KEEP IT UP!!!

G gangster said...

Hi I'm from Mr Woody's Class just like Arsenal4Life and I think you are a really good writer and i cant wait to read more!!!
=-]

Sprint Gas Racing said...

I'm another one of the room 18 Woodmonsta crowd. Mr Woody told me to check out your stories and I have to agree there really entertaining. Luckly we get to experience the creative flow of writing on our Matainui island were our adventure will take place. Keep up the god work and maybe I'll see you as an author someday.

Bubbles said...

Your stories are really cool!! We are doing a similar thing with Mr Woody this term its going to be fun!!!!!!
It was brilliant!!!!!!!!!!

Bobby said...

Hi I'm Bobby From Mr Woodys new class and he has told us to look at some of you room5ian's blog and I think this blog is great you have put heaps of effort into it and makes it cool.

Well Done.

P.S. Woodmonstas Rule

The Unknown Seeker said...

Awesome story. I wish I could write like that. It starts the brain thinking.

Little Miss Room 18 said...

Wow, Your stories are REALLY entertaining! I really like the way you use lots of different vocabulary!

(I am also in Mr W00dy's new class)

Midnight Baloney said...

Hi, wow your story is awesome! I like the description; quality of a professional author! You've got a valuable talent.
=)
Baloney

QueenBead said...

Hi I am another one from Mr woody's new class. I thought you wrote really well, great descriptive language, not overly unrealistic, you made the reader feel as though they were actually there (Show don't tell, I think) exelent use of languadge features e.g. suspenseful. Well done overall.

Element Master said...

Keep up the outstanding writing this was very good!!!

Happy said...

wow this is seriously cool. We have to do this now to. Is it difficult? I'm pretty good at writing so it will be interesting!